If you think that everything is all fine and dandy it is usually pretty far from it.
The European lifestyle is very different then the American and Jamaican one that I grew up in and sometimes I get tidal waves of homesickness — especially when my family is all together and I am the only one missing.
My direct family is not very big but it is mostly concentrated in Jamaica where my dad’s mother, aunts and brothers live as well as my only 2 first cousins so when the family took a big hit with the death of my grandmother in August I was thankful that I could be there with her the day that she died and then with my family throughout the later process.
But, unfortunately, for the death of my Aunt in October I am not so lucky as to be able to be there anymore because I returned to Europe in September.
So now I get the feeling that I am excluded, not intentionally, but definitely geographically. And all of the memories start to return of these two women that were so prominent in my childhood and now within a few months they are no longer here anymore, and I have all of these words that I would like to share with them and questions I would like to ask them and I can’ t.
I couldn’t even say goodbye to my aunt.
My grandmother did tell me before she died that she didn’t hold anything against me, my decision to leave and go to Europe and be far away from them so I couldn’t visit more than once a year for a week or so and that settles my heart a bit.
My great aunts last words to me were “Bye Baby” as I was travelling back to Miami before coming back to Europe and she barely mumbled it through her teeth… even then I was unfortunately aware that those might be her last words to be which they unfortunately were.
Sometimes it is hard to concentrate on all other things, omnia alia, when my head and my heart are somewhere in limbo stuck in a past time with family when I was very happy and emotionally stable. Therefore when it all hits I sit and cry in my room by myself because my parents aren’t around to talk to either and some people here don’t really understand all of these feelings I get.
I have felt like my life has been going in a downward spiral since my grandmother died in august and it’s been an impossible mission to turn it all back around, but I’m still working on it.
The challenge is to keep my school work in tact and try to not let a mental or emotional dis-balance effect soccer either (which I oh-so-very inconspicously portrayed in an official world cup qualifying game against Germany when I scored 2 own goals for them… but that’s another story which will be in the next post).